200 and Counting...Grey Hairs That Is

My whole life I have always thought that I would grow old gracefully. As a 17 minus high school student I pretty much pictured myself looking like those old ladies on TV with pristine skin and white, perfectly manicured hair that could still do the splits in their sixties. I was looking forward to being old enough that I could say whatever I wanted, rude or otherwise, and people would just say, "Oh, she's just old...pay no attention to her". As this has begun to occur however, I want to go back to that young and totally unappreciative girl and slap her silly.
So about a year ago, I found my first grey hair. No big deal. I pulled it out and tossed it carelessly into the garbage. I didn't realize that this grey hair had friends and that they would be angry for the loss of their brother. (I assume that a grey hair would be male-I don't know why) The grey hair family has now launched an assault on my head in retaliation, and I have to admit I hate it! How can the rest of your hairs be so soft and pleasant and those grey hair ones so coarse and hard to pull out? Every time I take a shower there is all this hair in the drain, but strangely enough not even one is a grey hair. It's like they have a mind of their own and really strong grips, which is probably why I assume they are male. I also have not been able to make it into my hair dresser who has been on vacation, so I have a large landing strip down the middle of my head and the grey hairs are shining beacons of light down the sides of it. Truly Hideous!
As if the grey hair army is not enough, the wrinkles have also formed an alliance with the grey hair generals and are marching a frontal assault right between my eyes. Suddenly every time I look in the mirror I find a new little canyon forming. Can anyone say Botox? Or more importantly can anyone tell me where the free Botox fairy lives? I will admit that I never wanted Botox before, but that was when I naive, stupid, and still thinking that I would grow old gracefully. How is it that my morning beauty regime five years ago was this...And now my morning regime consists of this? Yep growing old is expensive.
The final old age problem is my legs. I have the most aweful, horrible, ugly legs you have ever seen. (No, a picture will not be included here) Varicose veins would be shouting a "We're not worthy" at the monstrosities on my legs. I will admit right now that I have not worn shorts in over five years because of this. (Yes, I am that woman wearing long pants at the swimming pool.) I even went to Vegas last year and wore jeans in 105 degree heat. So... finally I am doing something about it. I have an appointment in one week to start getting my legs fixed.
YAY ME! This summer might be my first summer in five years that I wear shorts. My daughter encouraged me even further by telling me, "Wow mom, you could actually buy a cute skirt for once." This was right after her comment of, "You're getting the purple lines fixed? What are you going to do about the fat?" So daughter...I am setting a wonderful example for you right now. The example being "Only try to change the things that you can pay to fix", oh and I might need to add Lipo to my list of fixables.