Saturday, August 15, 2009

Another Brilliant Idea

I often sit around thinking that life is good, and how lucky I really am to be alive and have my wonderful family and great friends. However, being the true American I really am, I am never satisfied. What would make having a life of safety and cleaniless (something not attainable in a third world country) better you ask? Why a soundtrack from the sky of course.

I am an avid movie watcher. I love how, when something sad happens, the depressing music crescendos at just the right moment making you cry your eyes out. It's fabulous when the two lovers finally get together and a little bit of a love song floats in from the background. Best of all, in a scary movie, they let us know something bad is going to happen when a creepy tune starts playing right before the guy jumps out of the closet. Wouldn't life be that much more wonderful if this happened for us?

Imagine for a moment you are driving along the road and suddenly, out of nowhere, the Jaws Theme starts playing in your car. Sure enough, right when the music hits fever pitch a hidden policeman pulls out behind you and gives you a ticket. Or, your jerk of a boyfriend that you've given years of your life to suddenly breaks up with you. At the perfect moment, Alannis Morriset's Jagged Little Pill soundtrack rips over an intercom. Now picture yourself having the best hair and clothes day you've had in a long time, and as you walk out of the bathroom Justin Timberlake's Sexy Back comes blasting out. Be honest, wouldn't that be awesome!

I keep hearing all these conspiracy theories, true or fake, about how the Government has devices that can track us where ever we go. Via satelite they pretty much know when you are using the bathroom or blowing your nose. They can track you through your credit cards also, which is why they are trying to make credit card usage an infection that spreads to every person in America. Well, I have to say, that if they have this kind of technology, then why can't they also create the soundtrack tracker?

How it would work is that a music system/satellite would be launched into space for every person in the U.S., because lets face it, there are not enough satellites in space. Then they could just install some type of microchip in your brain that tracks your moods (There's no way some one could use this for evil, right?). Then when your mood changed, a song would play inside your head that was perfect for whichever situation you might be in. It would be SO GREAT!

So, just in case someone ever does get smart enough to create this and not destroy all of mankind with the technology, here is my list of songs I would want in 'Margie's Life Soundtrack'.

A Bad Day- 'You Found Me' by:The Fray or 'Survivor' by:Destiny's Child
A Fat day (don't we all have these?)- 'Big and Chunky' by: or 'Paper Bag' by: Anna Nalick
Sporting a Sexy Outfit- 'Sexy Back' by: Justin Timberlake or 'Single Ladies' by: Beyonce
Fighting with someone- 'I Don't Care' by: Fall Out Boy or 'Bad Reputation' by: Half Cocked
A Hard day at work- 'Take Me Away' by: Plain White T's
Feeling Stressed Out- '4 Minutes' by: Madonna and Justin Timberlake
Watching my kids get along- 'Makes Me Happy' by: Drake Bell
Fight with Hubby- 'So What' by: Pink
Tender Moment w/Hubby- 'Your Call' by: Secondhand Serenade, 'No Other Love' by: Chuck Prophet, and 'Crash Into Me' by: Dave Matthews Band
Finding Time to actually go running-'Let It Rock' by: Kevin Rudolf or 'Dirty Little Secret' by:The All-American Rejects
Bidding Farewell- 'Say' by: John Mayer or 'Homeward Bound' by: Mormon Tabernacle Choir

These are just a few of the songs I would request in my micro-chip, brain-implanted soundtrack. I know I would HAVE to have some U2, Pearl Jam, Jewel, Queen, Eric Clapton, Aretha Franklin, and Bing Crosby in there somewhere. Until that day comes, I guess I'll just have to keep my IPod handy and the radio blasting in my car.

Friday, August 7, 2009

A Formal Complaint to "The World"

7 August 2009

Fed Up Lane
My life

To Whom it May Concern:
I had the opportunity of visiting your "offices" this past week, and I have a few complaints to make you aware of.

First of all, you don't have to make so many cops with attitude problems. They shouldn't follow you for five miles waiting for you to make a mistake. They shouldn't pull you over for not signaling for two seconds before changing lanes. And most of all, they shouldn't treat you rudely just because you drive a ghetto car with duct tape on the bumper. Could you please look into that for me, or at least tell them they should be following the '3 second' rule instead of riding my butt while they wait for me to make a mistake.

Secondly, I would appreciate it if you could keep your winds to a slight breeze. One of your more gusty rebels picked up my tramp yesterday and flung it into a neighbors yard three houses down, completing mutilating it. Also explain to me why you would choose our brand new tramp to pick on when all the surrounding neighbors tramps that are older and dingier didn't even budge an inch. I will be expecting a check for $350.00, the cost of the trampoline.

Lastly, could you please keep your "offices" clean? Frankly, I'm tired of my kids coming in from playing at "your house", and getting their filthy, dirty feet and bodies all over my sheets and couch. I've had to wash my sheets every other day, and bath children who are grumpy because they are tired. You just seem to wear them out, and I need them awake and alert when they start school in a week and half. (Thank Goodness).

If you could just take care of those items for me, it would be greatly appreciated. Oh, and while you're at it, I would appreciate a fog-free brain, a self cleaning house, a car that doesn't require gas (or duct tape), and a reprieve from giving a talk in church on Sunday. Thank you for your prompt reply. I am eagerly awaiting your response.