A Formal Complaint to "The World"

7 August 2009

Me
Fed Up Lane
My life

To Whom it May Concern:
I had the opportunity of visiting your "offices" this past week, and I have a few complaints to make you aware of.

First of all, you don't have to make so many cops with attitude problems. They shouldn't follow you for five miles waiting for you to make a mistake. They shouldn't pull you over for not signaling for two seconds before changing lanes. And most of all, they shouldn't treat you rudely just because you drive a ghetto car with duct tape on the bumper. Could you please look into that for me, or at least tell them they should be following the '3 second' rule instead of riding my butt while they wait for me to make a mistake.

Secondly, I would appreciate it if you could keep your winds to a slight breeze. One of your more gusty rebels picked up my tramp yesterday and flung it into a neighbors yard three houses down, completing mutilating it. Also explain to me why you would choose our brand new tramp to pick on when all the surrounding neighbors tramps that are older and dingier didn't even budge an inch. I will be expecting a check for $350.00, the cost of the trampoline.

Lastly, could you please keep your "offices" clean? Frankly, I'm tired of my kids coming in from playing at "your house", and getting their filthy, dirty feet and bodies all over my sheets and couch. I've had to wash my sheets every other day, and bath children who are grumpy because they are tired. You just seem to wear them out, and I need them awake and alert when they start school in a week and half. (Thank Goodness).

If you could just take care of those items for me, it would be greatly appreciated. Oh, and while you're at it, I would appreciate a fog-free brain, a self cleaning house, a car that doesn't require gas (or duct tape), and a reprieve from giving a talk in church on Sunday. Thank you for your prompt reply. I am eagerly awaiting your response.

Sincerely,
Me